Trigger warning: Suicide
I’ve always been worried that I’d cross over the line into symptoms of psychosis, to the point that I made sure I wasn’t ever near weed, and couldn’t imagine ever trying a hallucinogenic. The amount of times various psych’s would ask me if my manic episodes included paranoia is ridiculously high and each time I said and thought, no. I was so certain I had no related symptoms but at the same time so worried I would get them. I didn’t want my grasp on reality to get any worse than it could get sometimes.
As it turns out, I’ve been experiencing delusions and paranoia since I was about 14. These are both symptoms of psychosis that goes along with my mania, which I guess can be classed not just hypo-mania now.
It’s hard to work out what in my head is real and what isn’t. I guess I knew that others wouldn’t understand, so I just never mentioned any of them ever. Which is a technique I learnt when I was 15 and nearly hospitalised for how suicidal I was at the time. Instead of getting help, I learnt to hide everything.
So here I am, wondering how much of who I am isn’t even real. Who would I be without them? Will I ever know, do I want to know? I don’t know what I want.
I guess I just keep going.