Just One Night

Trigger Warning: self harm, suicidal ideation/urges

So, I skipped my meds one night earlier this week, well, it ended up being 2 nights. I’ve been having some breathing problems after I take my seroquel at night, which is either my asthma getting worse or it’s a bunch of anxiety/panic attacks over how sedated I feel. I have a few ongoing issues with being sedated.

Honestly, what I expected was to be more manic than usual and probably more trouble sleeping the next night, with probably some more severe side effects if I kept it up for say a week. What I got was a lot more immediate and dramatic.

I woke up crying, and spent the rest of the day in quite a state of emotions and felt like I was barely holding it together. By the end of the day I was a total mess, still pretending to be a functioning human, but that cover was really running thin. One night of skipping meds and I was pretty much in a state similar to what I’m like before most hospital admissions.

It didn’t help that earlier that day someone had somewhat graphically/specifically described an event involving a razor blade which is a pretty major trigger for me. I have very specific and terrifying suicidal and self harm urges, wrapped up in deeply embedded delusions that I could do stuff and still survive it. That death won’t happen to me. But also that I really can’t live anymore. It’s a bit complicated sometimes.

I really should have taken my meds that next night, but I didn’t. I was already on the self destruction train, why not a few more stops. I had at least messaged my psych but still hadn’t heard back from him.

The next day was again much worse than I had anticipated. I’m not even entirely sure how I got through it if I’m honest. I was really ready to just, give up entirely. My psych did get back to me that night though, and suggested a lower dose. At this point it seemed really obvious that I should take them again. Surpising no one, I felt a lot more stable the next day.

I didn’t even skip all my meds, just my anti-psychotics, not even my mood stablisers. I guess it goes to show how much my medication helps me function. I really couldn’t do what I do now without it.

I’m having another episode, I just need a stronger dose..

I’ve been trying to survive on about the smallest amount of medication I have been on since I was diagnosed. Not because I think there is anything wrong with higher doses of medication, believe me, I’ve needed it, possibly still do. More because I still don’t know what to be on anymore, so I was kind of hoping I could get by without having to make that decision.

Was I wrong. My moods are so erratic right now and I’m either really really depressed or really quite manic/hypo-manic/whatever you wanna call it. I’m still managing to keep my life together but it kinda feels like a balancing game that I could lose at any moment.

Strangely, I am not struggling with work at all. It’s possibly the time I feel the most together. Then again, maybe it’s not so surprising. I feel best when I’m productive and have something to do. Which is probably why I have managed to hold down work despite times when my bipolar is particularly bad.

It’s the weekends that I’m struggling with most. I’m too exhausted to do much and then I’m kind of at the mercy of my mood swings.

I am taking steps to change the medication situation though. I’ve decided to try Lamotrigine again. I just have to wait 6 weeks to actually get in to see the psychiatrist. Then go through the painfully slow process of getting to a dose that works.

One thing I didn’t really take into account was the Testosterone increasing my manic episodes. It definitely has though. Which is really starting to affect things. More of those and everything starts swinging more out of sync, which is why I am getting this brutal swings.

It was always a risk and I wouldn’t change my decision at all, I just should have maybe kept a better eye on it really.

This weekend has been quite bad for me but I’ve managed. In fact in this particular moment I feel optimistic. Sure things are bad now, but I’m still functioning. And I’ll continue to, while I work out away to make things better for me. Maybe the perfect medication isn’t out there for me, but that’s fine. I’ve survived this long, I’m not going to let that stop me now. Anything that helps even a little bit is worthwhile.

Where do we go from here

Well, there’s no we in this, it’s where do I go, but I wanted to sneak in a Buffy reference.

I’m at a point where I need to make a decision about what I am going to do with my medication. There is nothing new to choose from, I have to pick something I’ve tried before and settle for that. That’s about where I’m at.

I can’t remember anything I was particularly happy on, which is the main problem. The other problem is the medication my psychiatrist thinks I need to try again. Valproate. I remember it being similar to Lithium, hell he even says it can be somewhat flattening. I don’t want that. I can’t do that again. I can’t lose months of my life again.

So I have the prescription for it but I have done nothing with it. I don’t know if I will. I’m scared. Sure, it’s easy to argue that I should just try it and I’ll know this time because I’ll be looking out for it but no, you don’t notice it, you don’t notice anything! That’s the problem.

If not that, then what will I do? I’m currently on a very low dose of Latuda that’s well, not doing a whole lot. The higher dose was starting to take away parts of me that I like and need. It was starting to become too much like Lithium. So I’m not particularly happy to still be on it but I really don’t know what to do about it.

I have never felt so direction-less with treatment. It’s making me feel like I’m lacking direction in my life. I mean I know where I am going with work, my game, my transition but what is any of that worth if I can’t function.

I mean, I am functioning but it was only meant to be temporary, I have pushed myself this far thinking eventually it would be okay, it wouldn’t be this hard forever. But I guess it will be. That’s fine, I mean it doesn’t feel fine and I am bouncing back and forth from accepting it and just being straight up mad about it. The fact is though, no matter what I’m not going to give up. I just have to adjust, I was fighting to eventually find something to keep me stable and now, now I’m fighting to function throughout the instability.

What is my conclusion here, well stuff kinda sucks but that’s fine. I’ll get by. This also isn’t a - ‘hark, lose hope ye who travel the medication seas’ kind of post either. It just happens that I’ve been trying medication for a long time and it hasn’t worked out terribly well for me. You could still find the right thing and if not, if you get to where I am well, it really does suck. I feel you. But it’s not the end.

Long time no see

Well, it’s been awhile.

I’m still in Melbourne and I did in fact find both a place to live and a job, not too long after my last post actually. A lot has been going on.

It’s been what, maybe close to 7 months since I posted? I’ll probably jump back and forth a bit here so bear with me.

One of the more obvious things that comes to me is that I managed to stay out of hospital for about 5 months! That’s the longest I’ve managed in a long time. I did end up getting hospitalised twice in the last 2 months however, which, I think they each deserve their own post on the experience and lead up.

I lost about a month to the side effects of Lithium rendering me basically zombie like. I don’t remember a lot of that month but someone close did describe it as me not really being there. So, I was really out of it. Which I hate, it’s one of the big things I worry about when going on all these different medications, this exact thing was a fear. It happened, and it took me a month to notice it. But more on that another time, it goes with one of my hospital stays, technically both of them.

It took me awhile to actually find a psychiatrist. Hell, it took me awhile to find a decent GP. Eventually I got a referral to this one guy who, after a whole session of going through my entire history says to me, and I quote “I can’t help you”.

A huge waste of time, money and not a great hit to how I was feeling at the time. This was around the time that I changed my GP as well and managed to find a really amazing one.

The next psychiatrist I am still seeing. He is, well, I have mixed feelings. He is kinda quirky in a way I like but sessions are under 15 minutes which isn’t a lot of time for me to gather my thoughts and recall everything I need to bring up. I very frequently forget all sorts of things or just don’t have enough time to respond to what a new treatment is. Plus he doesn’t seem to be keeping track of what I’m on, he completely forgot he put me on something recently and always asks me what I’m taking. But maybe he just likes to promote self awareness in medications, I mean, if anyone is going to know it should be me. I also probably should start writing important things down. He is considering putting me on Valproate again, but I can’t remember why I went off it in the first place. Really need to keep track of these things.

I started seeing a psychologist at some point too. She is lovely. I haven’t made an appointment for this year yet though. I’m not sure why exactly. I’ve had a lot going on I guess.

Now for a quick recap on medications I have tried since moving here - 

First it was - Saphris (asenapine) and Lamotrigine.
Then Seroquel XR was added.
Then that was removed again.
Next - Saphris is replaced with Olanzapine.
Now Pristiq was added.
Before it was taken away again because hello mania.
Then Lithium was added into the mix.
For a bit I was taking nothing (more on this in a later post).
Then I was back on Lithium and Seroquel.
Then Seroquel was replaced with Abilify.
Then Lithium disappeared.
So did Abilify.
Finally, I am now on Latuda.

Yep, just one thing. It’s an atypical anti-psychotic.

Bad times

Trigger warning: Self harm, suicide

I haven’t posted in awhile mostly because I’ve been too sick. I think it was the amount of Lithium I was on or the painkillers for my ankle, but all I could really manage was to lay in bed and somehow get to my appointments.

But now here I am posting, in one of the worst nights I’ve had since hospital. It’s kind of just got too much. The fractured ankle, my return of anxiety and this splitting headache that keeps appearing. It’s all very frustrating and it just feels like things keep getting in the way of me living my life, or something.

So here I am hiding in my room trying to convince myself that I don’t need to go to the hospital. Which sounds bad, maybe it is but sitting in a scary room in the hospital until probably tomorrow afternoon doesn’t sound ideal. Plus I have work tomorrow and chances are I’ll sleep this off. Or not and I’m actually entering a proper depressive episode but I guess that’s something I’ll have to deal with tomorrow.

Okay it sounds bad, but I can’t actually get into my hospital over the weekend and I’d need to get in contact with my psychiatrist. If I was really really bad I’d tell someone and get myself to the ER but now that I’m at the end of this post I’m not so bad.

Still struggling with a lot of urges that just happen to be stronger tonight but I think I can keep myself safe. Well I have so far anyway. 

I think I might go off Lithium when I see my psychiatrist next. Nausea has gone down mostly since reducing it but still I feel awful. The Saphris is even giving me unwanted side effects. When I take it I get more restless and this tingling sensation down my spine, which is very distracting from the whole sleep thing. Hell it’s distracting in general, I get too antsy to do anything. All things to talk about in my next appointment.

I have some homework from my psychologist too. She wants me to try breathing. Well, mindful breathing for 1min. Twice before I see her. For some reason it terrifies me, to slow down like that. To actually pay attention to myself. I generally try very hard to not notice whatever terrible feeling is going on, who knows what would happen if I let go for a minute. Of course I am trying to change that yes, cause it’s hard to experience things when you’re avoiding your own moods/feelings. That’s why I’m seeing her, to work on this stuff. So questions like “how are you?” aren’t just answered with a guess that may or may not be correct.

All things to think about. But I think I’ll be alright tonight now. Probably sleep soon, see what tomorrow brings.

Out

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

I got out the day after my last post. I would have posted earlier but I’ve been a bit pre-occupied.

I fractured my ankle. 

Day after I got out I decided to go for a jog and my foot got stuck in a hole and I managed to fracture it. Luckily some people stopped and I got a lift home and then a friend took me to the hospital. That was not a fun day for me. I spent it mostly crying, being frustrated and hating myself a lot for having done this to myself. Also pain, in a lot of pain. I’m still in a lot of pain.

Of course I should be easier on myself about this. I am one hell of a clumsy person yes, but that’s not something worth beating myself up over. I think I’ve developed a phobia of running now, to add to my list of ordinary things I’ve broken myself doing. At least I can laugh about it most days.

Maybe not today. Today is a bad day. I’ve actually spent the week and a bit finally out of hospital kind of manic. So I’ve been reasonably chipper considering everything. Especially considering how grumpy I get when I’m in large amounts of constant pain. Sure, I like pain - but only in certain instances.

First thing I did when I got out was throw out all of my blades, I decided it was the best time to kick that habit. Good I did, cause today I don’t feel so strong. I mean it’s not like I couldn’t anyway, but it is easier to resist when they’re not just sitting in my drawer.

I think aside from the day I broke my ankle this is my first real bad day since getting out. I’m back to considering suicide, and self harm and all that stuff. But it’s still early days for my new medication and it’s not as bad as it gets. My lack of ability to go anywhere is probably not helping either. Or the pain. I can’t even take painkillers that would help because of the Lithium. So I’m on a bit of codeine and it really doesn’t do much. Except make me feel ill. Or maybe that is still the withdrawals. I was taken off the Valproate and Seroquel very quickly to allow for me to leave hospital.

Hopefully this isn’t a descent into depression, I would like to not need antidepressants since they do seem to do bad things to my mania. I can’t help but feel skeptical still, I mean I get some crazy depression. And I’ve been on Lithium before, I definitely recall needing the antidepressants.

I guess I’ll see.

I will admit, it was priceless seeing my psychiatrists face when he realised I had broken my ankle, and my psychologist. Small things.

Want Out

Trigger Warning - Withdrawals

I am so very close to telling my psychiatrist that I can’t do it anymore, being in here. It’s all voluntary and I think if I insisted he’d let me out but then again he could pull rank here and keep me here till I had come off everything he wants. Which will be soon anyway, maybe I could get myself out by the weekend.

I know I should stay in here, at least till the withdrawals and stuff is over and I’m off the Seroquel and Valproate completely too. And I’m at the right level of Lithium, cause it’s easier and quicker to do in here. I know I’ll have to try out this whole no anti-depressant thing out of hospital cause that will take some time to know fully.

This all probably seems a bit disjointed, I’m finding it hard to focus when the world seems to be spinning inside my head.

Long story short - I wish I could go home already but I guess I’ll stick it out a few more days. I don’t think I can go past this next weekend. But maybe I’ll have to, I don’t know. No, I’m going to ask tomorrow morning when the earliest is I could get out of here. I need to get out of here. Probably cause it wasn’t that long ago that I was in here anyway. I know, I’ve been here what, nearly 2 weeks. It’s been longer before. I can’t explain it, I just, maybe it’s all the chemical brain stuff. Maybe it’s cause like no one has been visiting me. It’s a busy time of year.

And if Valium is the best they can do to help my side effects, and some anti-nausea meds well I can do that at home anyway. I don’t even know where I’m going with this. Just today especially after being outside for parts of 3 days it has made me seriously homesick. I think I’m depressed today, welcome to that extreme of my moods. Can’t say it’s not expected, I’m not on anti-depressants and I don’t recall lithium being particularly helpful. Then again I don’t recall my time on it at all, sooooo….

I think I’m about to have a panic attack too. Aah my anxiety. Welcome back, you were so nicely suppressed on the Pristiq but here you are again. Lovely. I must trust my psychiatrist a lot to try this idea. Considering the fact that even weaker anti-depressants did nothing for me and left me in a deep - depression. Let’s try none at all!

Dizzy, no sleep

Trigger Warning - Withdrawals

I am ridiculously dizzy today. I can only assume it’s another side effect of coming off everything and hope it’s not a side effect of going onto anything. I don’t think Lithium ever caused this but I can never be sure. I suppose I could probably read back in my own blog and see if I mentioned it.

Anyway today I get out for the day and night! Pretty excited. I have some good friends. One of which was going to bust me out for a picnic, but alas rain! So Mario Party and movies it is! Which is fine with me too. So far sitting in one spot isn’t going too badly for me, so I should be fine today despite side effects.

I am determined to have a good day out of here, I’m wearing my adventure time shirt and everything!

Withdrawals

Trigger Warning - Withdrawals

So, withdrawal side effects aren’t fun. Or whatever it is going on here. So while it’s only the first day I’ve stopped the Pristiq it’s been long enough since the reduced dose that it would be doing stuff to me. Plus you know, all that other stuff coming out of my system.

I am hot/cold, shaking - sometimes my head just won’t stop shaking - and pretty much just on the verge of a panic attack or tears or both. Just all of it today. 

I’m going to try going down to the gym. Doing weights usually makes me feel better. I’d box, but they got rid of the bag awhile ago. Have to wait till I get home to use mine. Which, tomorrow I’ve been granted leave so I can spend the day and night at home. Hang out with my adorable cat. Do my assignment. You know, the important things. Oh, I think I might have pizza even. If I can afford pizza. I mean, what else am I gonna eat? I have no food at home.

The Plan

After talking to my psychiatrist this morning I have more of an idea of what the plan is exactly. Today is my first day without any antidepressants in years (aside from the occasional forgetful day) and apparently the plan is to see if I can get by without any!

Of course I’ll be on other medications to hopefully stabalise my mood but the idea is that maybe they’ll both work as a replacement to antidepressants too. The risk with my Bipolar and antidepressants is that they often lead to rapid cycling. And I can attest that any that have made a dent on my depression has also been very bad for my overall stability.

I’m currently on Lithium and Saphros. Apparently Lithium also works well for depression and Saphros for anxiety so he is hoping combined they cover me for my mania, depression and anxiety. He is always trying to make sure I am on the least possible medication that works, which is good. I hate medication.

I’ll admit I’m skeptical. I get deep depression, but while in hospital seems like the best place to test it out. He hopes between another 1 - 2 weeks and I’ll be out of here. Sounds good to me, I don’t like being here too long. Only because I hate hospitals, the staff are all lovely and the place is quite nice.

I’m going to have to find a different hospital and psychiatrist, psychologist when I move to Melbourne. That is probably the hardest part about leaving Brisbane. I don’t open up easily. Funny to say that on a blog that I’ve just made a whole lot more public.

Coming off Everything

Well today was my last day of Pristiq. So I can look forward to all of those lovely withdrawals. My Seroquel and Valproate have also been dramatically lowered. To give you a bit of an idea here is what my regular doses were:
Pristiq - 150mg
Seroquel XR - 400mg
Valproate - 1500mg

and I still needed
Valium - morning and night - 5mg

Now:
Pristiq - 50mg this morning but now nothing
Seroquel XR - 100mg
Valproate - 500mg

And the extras are…
Lithium and Saphros! 

I can’t remember their doses though. Sounds bad, but seriously focusing on anything right now is a mission. How I’m even finishing uni work is amazing. I’ve also been on Lithium before, I can’t remember if it helped that much. Well, at the time it was worth coming off it to try other things. Oh and did I mention coming of Valproate *could* induce a seizure? Great isn’t it. Oh and Lithium, each time you stop it there are some studies that say it increases Manic symptoms. So yeah. I think the idea is that I’ll be on Lithium and Valproate but he just wants to be sure the Valproate is helping.

So here I am with my world falling away piece by piece, coming off everything. 

I am quite easily distracted and side tracked. I’ve done nothing productive today really, I meant to get a head start on an assignment but it looks pretty easy. I’ll do it tomorrow. I also have to record a video for it but I’ll do that when I get some leave and am at home. Better recording equipment than this mac, but I could do it here in a pinch.

On a side note, I’m actually doing a talk at a games conference relating to self care. My experience with mental health and going through a degree and still making games and stuff with it all gives me some perspective that I suppose I can share. That’s the idea anyway. It makes me consider making this blog public more and more. I know more people would then have access to it hopefully, and maybe that would help some people. 

Of course that also leaves me quite open, I mean I haven’t made huge steps in concealing this since I always wanted to link it to me but I still have some hesitation.

But really, what is the worst that can happen? I want to honest and open about my past because I shouldn’t feel like I have to hide these things. I have a disease that is treatable, and I am getting it treated.

I think I might have just talked myself into it.

In again, for round...??

I’m back in hospital, was a bit of a wait this time. Just a busy time of year, for some reason. So far I am manic, I haven’t slept but I am sure they’ll drug me up tonight. 

Plan is to take me off everything, see how I am and then try a bunch of new things. I’m also gonna try and finish assignments in here too. Gonna be a hell of a time.

All the Signs

Trigger warning: Suicide

By now I am very capable of recognising the signs of mania, especially in myself. So here I am sitting at my desk figuring out a programming problem/assignment and it feels just like all those nights in my last degree. My nights of genius, where I would declare myself the god of code, or 3d, or basically whatever it was that I was succeeding at.

I now realise, as I realise how manic I am now, that it was mania all those times. Those times I stayed up 3 days straight to make a game for class. That whole culture of not sleeping, drinking and working at weird hours to get stuff done I could have done weeks ago.

It poses a question and a problem to me now. I have been skipping my Seroquel the past, 3 - 4 nights. Maybe it’s actually been a week. I figure, I am coming off them anyway when I go into hospital and I really need to get this work done before then. So I have had more and more of this mania.

Sometimes it’s manageable, like now, and I’m fine. Productive even. But other times I come close to just taking all the pills in my drawer. The problem is, I have missed this. My “current” meds don’t allow me to be this functional at this time. I’d be passing out around now, and around 8pm onwards I’d probably be too sedated to do anything useful at all.

Will I lose everything if I “cure” myself of this manic behaviour. I want to feel like this, I don’t want to be numb and sedated half the time. I don’t think I can live like that. I just don’t know. Will I lose my brilliant mind if I cloud it with all these drugs?

I know I know, it’s such a cliche. I’m bipolar and manic. OF COURSE I want to go off my meds. That doesn’t mean I’m wrong. Doesn’t mean I’m right. I don’t know what it means. Is it worth it? Is it worth the pain for these moments. Is it worth the chance I may not live long enough to fulfill my potential. Or would I never fulfill it anyway because I can’t think or work properly half the time.

Lost count

Back to hospital for me again, as soon as they have a bed for me. The plan is to take me off all my meds to see if any are working then start from there. Trialling different stuff until they find something to help. My psychiatrist also wants to sign me up to a DBT program, but that’ll be once I get out I guess.

I’m not going to let any of this stop me from studying though. I can still do this. I will do this.

Medication side effects

When the floor starts to move like the ocean, it’s a pretty good indication of when to go to bed…

Appointment with the psychiatrist

Trigger warning: Suicide and Self Harm

It didn’t go as well as I guess I had hoped. I still can’t cry in front of him so afterwards I again hid in the bathroom and cried.

I did tell him though that I both wanted to punch a brick wall and cry, and that if I went back to my job today I would probably cry more than work. Not that I’m going back to work that soon, I’ve put myself down for the next roster though.

We are still waiting to see if maybe this med combo works. He doesn’t want to be too aggressive with the medication since it’s hard to tell whether it’s the mood cycling or my personality disorder taking the lead here. 

But if things get drastic, we can totally change up my meds, in hospital of course. If I’m still like this in a week when I see him again, I think that is what I’m going to have to opt for. I can’t keep living like this.

Wanting to live right now is questionable.

Hopefully the structure of my new degree and going back to work (when I do) help me out too. Apparently structure is great. I’ll do up a weekly schedule tomorrow, then later on I’ll add gym and making healthy food stuffs as well or something.

For now, I continue to wait and take more Valium and Seroquel. (doctors orders, no really)

First day back at Uni

I’m not sure that that title works since I’m studying online but, lectures and stuff started today and I couldn’t really be bothered figuring it all out yet. I guess I will tomorrow when I get home/Wednesday. I have an assignment already and so far can only find one actual lecture out of 4 subjects. Oh well.

I think I’m just getting more depressed, and the extra sleeping sure isn’t helping. I am napping far too much. It’s a good sign with me that I’m well into a depressive episode. At lease I see my psychiatrist Wednesday. Figure out what to do from there I guess. I think a med change may be on the cards. Otherwise I may never get out of bed to actually do this degree.

Mixed Episode Blues

Trigger warning: Self harm

Just over a week since getting out of hospital. Still waiting to see if maybe my meds kick in and do something about this mixed episode. I get reviewed by my psychiatrist and psychologist on Wednesday anyway.

It’s not looking hopeful. I’ve been stuck in depression the past 2 days and started sleeping way too much. Day naps. Not good. I might have also skipped my anti-psychotics a few times, but that would lead more to the manic side of things.

Ergh, I am so over this whole thing. If I have to drastically change meds, I may have to go back into hospital, and I’ve had enough of that for awhile. 

On the other hand, I need to be supervised, otherwise I might hurt myself. Like I did before coming down here. I’m back home Tuesday night and unsupervised for a week or so. I haven’t really decided what to do.

Third Day Out

Trigger Warning - Self Harm and Eating Disorder

Already I haven’t taken my meds, feelings have come and gone, some I knew as anger, some as hurt, I can’t do better than that right now. I just know I need control. Control of myself. Maybe the way I get it is entirely wrong. I’ve started obsessing about weight again. Every time they admit me they have to take weight, and because weight gain is a medication side effect with higher doses my psychiatrist has to keep asking.

When I was admitted I weighed more than I’d want, but my psychiatrist did let me know I’d lost weight during my stay. I think he meant it to help me not obsess over it, but it had the opposite effect. I want to lose more. In my head I still see myself at 40kg, even though I know as I put on muscle of course I will weigh more too.

Not just weight, I lost it tonight. I’m going to have to cover my arm again for awhile. I’m not going back in yet though, no way. I’ll lose touch. I’m going to take some time out in another state (like, geographically) with some family (that I can stand to be around for large amounts of time).

Other news...

Also, definitely have that Bipolar thing. Which type, who knows! At the moment I’m in a mixed episode, finally come down from my endless Euphoria and agitation. Well, come down only to have that and be joined by depression and the like.

Medication is at a simple 50mg Pristiq in the Morning with 500mg Valproate.

400mg Seroquel XR at 5pm

1000mg Valproate and 5mg Valium for bed

Good stuff. For now we wait. Because maybe, this combo will work. If not, then we try other things.