Trigger Warning - Self Harm and Eating Disorder
Already I haven’t taken my meds, feelings have come and gone, some I knew as anger, some as hurt, I can’t do better than that right now. I just know I need control. Control of myself. Maybe the way I get it is entirely wrong. I’ve started obsessing about weight again. Every time they admit me they have to take weight, and because weight gain is a medication side effect with higher doses my psychiatrist has to keep asking.
When I was admitted I weighed more than I’d want, but my psychiatrist did let me know I’d lost weight during my stay. I think he meant it to help me not obsess over it, but it had the opposite effect. I want to lose more. In my head I still see myself at 40kg, even though I know as I put on muscle of course I will weigh more too.
Not just weight, I lost it tonight. I’m going to have to cover my arm again for awhile. I’m not going back in yet though, no way. I’ll lose touch. I’m going to take some time out in another state (like, geographically) with some family (that I can stand to be around for large amounts of time).