Mixed Episode Blues

Trigger warning: Self harm

Just over a week since getting out of hospital. Still waiting to see if maybe my meds kick in and do something about this mixed episode. I get reviewed by my psychiatrist and psychologist on Wednesday anyway.

It’s not looking hopeful. I’ve been stuck in depression the past 2 days and started sleeping way too much. Day naps. Not good. I might have also skipped my anti-psychotics a few times, but that would lead more to the manic side of things.

Ergh, I am so over this whole thing. If I have to drastically change meds, I may have to go back into hospital, and I’ve had enough of that for awhile. 

On the other hand, I need to be supervised, otherwise I might hurt myself. Like I did before coming down here. I’m back home Tuesday night and unsupervised for a week or so. I haven’t really decided what to do.

Third Day Out

Trigger Warning - Self Harm and Eating Disorder

Already I haven’t taken my meds, feelings have come and gone, some I knew as anger, some as hurt, I can’t do better than that right now. I just know I need control. Control of myself. Maybe the way I get it is entirely wrong. I’ve started obsessing about weight again. Every time they admit me they have to take weight, and because weight gain is a medication side effect with higher doses my psychiatrist has to keep asking.

When I was admitted I weighed more than I’d want, but my psychiatrist did let me know I’d lost weight during my stay. I think he meant it to help me not obsess over it, but it had the opposite effect. I want to lose more. In my head I still see myself at 40kg, even though I know as I put on muscle of course I will weigh more too.

Not just weight, I lost it tonight. I’m going to have to cover my arm again for awhile. I’m not going back in yet though, no way. I’ll lose touch. I’m going to take some time out in another state (like, geographically) with some family (that I can stand to be around for large amounts of time).

5 things

I was really angry yesterday, my agitation had taken a turn for anger after someone I was talking to brushed off a bunch of stuff off in a way that hit me the wrong way.

I tried to calm myself down. Remembering that I had managed to do it once when I was with my psychologist with just some breathing. I was doing that but it wasn’t enough, I was getting carried away with the feeling.

So I tried that 5 things thing that is meant to bring you back to the present. So I counted 5 things I could see (my computer, my keyboard, my desk, 2 other ones), 5 things I could feel (sitting on my chair, arms on my desk, tongue on my teeth, glasses on my face and something else) and then 5 things I could hear (my music, my air con, my breathing, some background noise, I don’t know if I found a fifth).

After this I noticed I was a lot calmer and I’d let the anger and intensity go right by. I was able to talk normally to this person again.

So, my psychologist is going to be awfully pleased that I’ve tried not one but 2 of her things. I’ve also been recognising the emotion that I’ve been having, which I usually just try to supress.

Intense

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

I get very intense episodes of Mania or just intensely stuck on things like wanting to self harm or worse. So for the past 3 months my psychologist has been trying to get me to try this sensory thing.

It’s this thing where you try to overload another sense of yours so that you can’t do anything but pay attention to that sensation. One suggestion - bite into a chilli. Now that doesn’t sound pleasant and I guess it isn’t meant to be. It’s just meant to be safer and break you out of the cycle.

I usually try cold showers when I get bad, I developed that myself but finally I took this thing to a new level. I got those Fishermens Friends mints/menthols that are really strong.

I was in an intense Manic episode and my thoughts were racing and I couldn’t break it, I wanted to hurt myself. Instead I put one of those in my mouth and omg, few seconds in all I could think about was the mint then 5 more seconds and it was all I could do to keep it in. I gave up after 30 seconds, but it sure as hell broke me out of my head space.

Other suggestions are intense smells, loud music, anything that overloads one other sense and if it’s unpleasant probably all the better.

Other news...

Also, definitely have that Bipolar thing. Which type, who knows! At the moment I’m in a mixed episode, finally come down from my endless Euphoria and agitation. Well, come down only to have that and be joined by depression and the like.

Medication is at a simple 50mg Pristiq in the Morning with 500mg Valproate.

400mg Seroquel XR at 5pm

1000mg Valproate and 5mg Valium for bed

Good stuff. For now we wait. Because maybe, this combo will work. If not, then we try other things.

Skipping Meds

Trigger warning: Suicide

I did something very reckless last night. I skipped my dinner dose of Seroquel. That’s the nice large dose of sustained release that is meant to keep me reasonably sane throughout the night and next day. 

At the time it was all fun and games, I was manic, I was EUPHORIC! Who the fuck wants to give that up when they finally have one get out jail free card sitting in their pocket just waiting to be used. I had overnight leave, I was free for a while 24 - 26hrs. It all started fine, playing some games with friends then going out to dinner. It was all good, I felt normal, hell I felt better than normal. I was on top of the world. It was going to be a good night.

Then I get home to my place, and housemates want to go out and celebrate and you know what I think, fuck it, who knows when I’ll get another chance like this again. So, I don’t take the already far too late meds. Then I crack open a cider and shave half my hair off. 

Eventually we get out, now I usually don’t stray too far from the beat but I figure why not give my straight friends a chance for some fun. Turns out I wasn't the only queer lady in the place.

I’d definitely list this as one of my better nights. But this night was never the problem, as problematic skipping meds may be. I didn’t sleep till 5/6am then got up after maybe 2-3hrs sleep. Still not tired one bit.

Now, here is where it gets bad.

As soon as I got myself back into hospital I just had a full on break down. I was so manic and am so ready to take my life it isn’t funny. Lucky for me I have one of my more preferred nurses on so I managed to communicate some of what I was feeling. Problem being, that’s my flaw. I don’t know what I feel, but I was crying. I never cry in front of people. 50mg of Seroquel and 10mg of Valium later I am a bit more relaxed. I’m not crying, I’m still far too alert.

I don’t think I’ll be skipping anything ever again. 

Here Again

Well, here I am again. I seem to only post each time I come back to hospital, but I do plan on changing that. Updating this with more of a day to day struggle rather than just at each tipping point.

To cut to the chase, I’ve been in here just over a week for mania that just won’t end. I was in between my last stay and now experiencing Euphoria (which was fantastic, I nearly didn’t agree to lower my meds) but now I’m in a constant state of agitation which is far less pleasant.

Before I came in my Prestiq had been lowed to 100mg, and I had been given an additional 100mg Seroquel before bed. Now I take Valium (5mg) day and night, 400mg Seroquel XR with dinner, only 50mg of Pristiq and whatever prn I require during the day. So far everyday I need at least one extra lot of valium and seroquel just to quell this physical feeling of wanting to tear my skin off.

The idea is maybe the Pristiq is causing the added mania and agitation, so we’re trying a lower dose. If that doesn’t help or if it just makes me fall right back down to the depressed side then it looks like a medication change for me. That being said, I have no idea when I’ll be getting out of here. Once I’m stable I suppose.

Destroy me.

A playlist to match my insanity. The first 2 songs describe me right now in perfect clarity.

Infinite.

Trigger warning: Self harm

I feel infinite. Unbelievably connected to everything there is or ever was. Like I understand something secret and powerful. I matter. I was born for greatness. I am meant to be here, right now. For what? That’s the part I don’t know. What I do know - is that I’m going to change the world. Why else would I possibly exist? People will know my name, people will know me long after I’m gone. I feel like I’m on the brink here. While I am back in hospital again, because this high has lasted far too long. Part of me knows this is what bipolar is, despite my psychiatrist still being on the fence either way. The other part is wondering why I would ever want to let this stop? I’m not depressed anymore, and so what if I’m not in control of my life. Sometimes I have to punch a tree, or hurt myself but isn’t that worth it in the pursuit of greatness? What if I’ll never be who I was meant to be if I quell what I am feeling right now? All I know is, that everything seems to make sense in this moment.

Back in, for almost opposite reasons.

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

So, I probably start most of these posts with so far too often. That aside, it’s been a week since I was re-admitted to hospital. Last time I was in a severely depressed state, this time I think it’s more of a manic one. The lead up was me being an overly good, super kind of mood. Except, at the same time my self harm thoughts had sky rocketed. That was all I could think of as I almost skipped to work each day. Needless to say I didn’t have the self control to refrain from most of my thoughts each day. I don’t think I even felt overly guilty about it, I wanted to do it and spent far too long looking at my arm afterwards.

The other unfortunate side effect of my suddenly high high mood was the spending. Is the spending. I have bought far more books and clothes than I really should have. I spent $140 on a bag for goodness sake. Just a simple old messenger bag. I spend $100 on shorts, more than that on books. Then games, then some software to organise all my games, books and comics. I’m out of control. I already have a nice debt from previous times. Something like, $9000. I can’t stop buying shirts, things I see I decide I need and then without a thought I’ve ordered them. Thankfully I deemed the $600 flights to Melbourne as outrageous. I was meant to be down there, for the game conferences. The one time of year that I have to connect with the industry properly and get inspired to do amazing things. 

Instead, I sit here on my hospital bed writing out a bunch of things I’m not even certain people read. But on the off chance this makes someone feel like they’re not the only one going through this sort of thing, even just one person, well it’d all be worth it. I was taken to the emergency room Thursday night after telling someone I wanted to kill myself.

I am glad I said something for once instead of just attempting it. There are only so many times a person can get lucky and have someone walk in just in time. This is progress, I got myself here without harming myself at all that night. Granted spending the night in the mental health emergency department is far far from fun or comfortable it was the better option. 

 Now, my psychiatrist decided to put up my Seroquel to 300mg instead of 200mg to see if that would settle me. It helped but I found it would stop working somewhere in the afternoon, so now I am trialling the extended release. It actually has not gone anywhere near as bad as I expected. I guess my body is pretty used to Seroquel by now. So we’re going to give that a good shot. The good thing is swapping back isn’t too hard if it turns out to not be as helpful. The only part I have to get used to is taking it 4 hours before I want to go to bed. So around 5 is when they give it to me in here. It’s an adjustment, but actually kind of freeing. I don’t have to worry about when I should take my medication in the night, it just kicks in round 9/10 and then I kind of go to sleep around then. 

 This is going to be a much shorter stay than last time, I think I’ll be out Monday/Tuesday even. So far, I think I am mostly more calm. When I’m not, there are plenty of things I can take to calm me down anyway. I just have to get better at taking them when I need to and before it gets too bad.

The Edge

I’m living life on this edge that I can’t even describe. But I feel important, to the world, the universe. Otherwise why would I be here? Why would I feel such joy and pain at the same time.

3 weeks and counting

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Tomorrow will mark 3 weeks in this hospital. I’ve had more bad days then good but that’s why I’m here, right? Anyway, I’ll start from admission. 

I finally got in and saw my psychiatrist not long after. I was immediately weened off the Lexapro and put onto Prestiq. Despite him previously stating that we should avoid SNRIs, it had become clear that I needed some thing stronger to make any kind of dint in my depression. So Prestiq is an SNRI just like Efexor and Cymbalta. It was a choice of one of them and It seemed obvious to choose the one I hadn’t tried. Problem is, like the Efexor, it could cause spikes in my mania.

So we’ve got to keep a close eye on it. I’m now up to 150mg, which he managed to pump me up to pretty quickly. And hello mania, I had forgotten what it was like while I was stuck in my depression. Sometimes it’s great, other times it has way too much agitation attached. And often causes me to feel trapped in here. Not only that but I’m still experiencing my super lows. So I’m all over the shop again. The psychiatrist put up my valproate as well, so that’s 600mg morning and night now. I suppose he’s hoping it’ll help level me out more. But the theory is that the mania is safer than my chronic depression, which nearly caused the end of me,

Another thing he did as soon as I got in was arrange for me to see one of the psychologists who do inpatient work here. Now he had been trying for awhile to find someone who could also bulk bill me since I have basically no money. Private health only gets you so far apparently.

Anyway I started seeing her, pretty skeptical at first as I am with such things. But very willing to try whatever it takes to get me healthy again. Turns out she was the most lovely person and it just clicked. I’ve seen her maybe 4 or 5 times and we’re slowly making progress on things. Such as how I ignore how I’m feeling right up until it’s too much. I have to stop doing that, so I need to check in with myself three times a day. But I can talk more about that later.

Most disappointing thing for me right now is I can’t go home tomorrow. I had overnight stay Tuesday to Wednesday to test how I’d go being released and that didn’t end too well. I was alright for the night, I hadn’t been left alone and I didn’t even think about it.

Then the next day when I was about to be left alone at home I was assuring them I’d be fine but then I started over thinking it. Very quickly I spiralled down not being able to get self harm thoughts out of my head. My mind went foggy and all I felt was pain and I couldn’t stand it. I didn’t want to go back to the hospital either, there’d be no nurse for me and I’d feel like such a failure. In the end someone else came over as well. I started to feel even worse, like I was wasting their time.

They had to stay with me, they couldn’t leave me. In the end I lost my desire to be alive. I just wanted to end it again. I very barely held on enough to remind myself that that wouldn’t make anything easier for them. I don’t always want to be alive, but they want me to be. So I’ll give it all I’ve got to stay that way. That’s why I’m in here.

Staring into Space

Trigger warning: Suicide

I don’t know that I can quite express how I feel right now. The sheer emptiness and endless pit somehow tinged with sad and the constant state of being on the verge of tears.

No reason why, nothing happened to me today. In fact, while a friend was visiting I was okay. But when he left I fell right back down this endless tunnel.

This, feeling like this makes it hard to pull myself into the next moment. Knowing that tomorrow, I’ll probably wake up to the same, it creates such a feeling of defeat. You keep fighting, for what - you start to think. Why do I bother. Helplessness.

Hearing about Robin Williams hit so close to home. Here I am, fighting for my life and so easily someone could have walked into my room too late.

That’s why I’m in here, and I’ll stay here till I have the strength to keep going. Mental illness is such a serious thing, people kill themselves because they can’t stand the pain they endure.

I once heard a good analogy for it. A person in a burning building would jump out of the window instead of the pain of burning alive.

It’s a lot like that. But we can put out that fire, if we get the chance.

A Couple of Wednesdays

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

It’s my second week in hospital and it’s taken me this long to be in the right frame of mind to write this. I already had one go but I got a bit carried away with it. But the story starts a few Wednesdays ago.

After my last release from hospital I started seeing my psychiatrist every Wednesday afternoon. He wanted to go back over my past, my childhood and stuff. He thinks there is something else to the puzzle that is me, that’s making the self harm and suicidal ideation worse.

One part of it is I may have Borderline Personality Disorder. The way he described it to me was personality is basically how we see ourselves and the world. So this disorder just means how I see things is skewed or something. Hence why he wants to go over how I grew up and my past experiences. Trouble is, I really don’t like thinking about any of this stuff. Let alone talk about it.

But, having been hospitalised twice at this point, I knew I had to do it, as hard as it might be. Getting better was something I needed, and it wasn’t going to happen while I laid in my bed doing nothing.

So, I managed to get through 2 sessions of going through things. Trying my best to be as honest as possible. Unfortunately by the third my mood had taken a turn for the worst and I was beginning to self harm again.

So we find myself on this Wednesday, I was too down to go over anything. I could barely speak. Luckily my psychiatrist knows what this means and didn’t push forward with my history. Just quizzing me on how I’d been so he could get an idea of how bad things were. I couldn’t find the words to express it. I really did try, I nearly even started crying. I can count the number of people I have cried in front of on one hand. He isn’t one of them.

My Lexapro got pushed up to 30mg and I left feeling worse than when I’d gone in. I headed straight to the bathroom and started crying. I couldn’t stop. Maybe I should have gone back in, but say what? So eventually I pulled myself together and went home.

I barely made it through the next week, only getting worse. Knowing I had to somehow do something about this. Get to the next Wednesday and again I’m in no state to talk about any of my past. I can barely make eye contact, and words were few and far between. I was on the verge of tears the whole time, and I still couldn’t get out how bad everything was. How I just couldn’t handle the thought of another day just like this.

He knew we needed to try to get me out of this depression, Lexapro got upped to 40mg. Again I left and found myself in the bathroom crying uncontrollably. It took awhile, but I eventually found my way home. Straight to my room, I couldn’t handle interaction, I couldn’t handle anything. I sat there for a while, crying. I didn’t want to wake up to this, I couldn’t do another day of this.

So I made a very bad decision. I can say that now. At the time my head wasn’t clear at all. I was in a haze, I couldn’t see past how I felt in that moment and couldn’t see how it might end, unless I did as well.

I am so very lucky, a friend of mine came over when she did. So, goddamn lucky. When she found me, I was a mess. I’d gotten all my pills out in front of me and I had quite a bloody collection. I’d even spent time researching them previously out of morbid curiosity. When she saw me, she knew. I’d been hurting myself and I just couldn’t keep eye contact. I was ashamed she’d caught me in a moment of weakness, and again at the time I didn’t know if I was glad or mad to have been stopped.

She called my psychiatrist who was luckily working that night. Got me in here on the Friday and made sure I was never left alone before I was admitted. I owe my life to her. I feel bad I ever got that far. I’ve sworn to never let it get that far again. When I saw my psychiatrist that day I should have told him I didn’t feel like being alive anymore. But I didn’t realise even then. So, I have to try to be more aware of how I feel before it gets that extreme.

I can only say now, that I even feel a little bit hopeful.

You win some, you lose some

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Self harm and suicidal urges are nothing new to me. Strong physical urges that are just so hard to shake. I think I’d been too busy for them to come back in force, until now that is.

But ever since I found my gardening shears the other week, I just can’t stop thinking about them. I get fixated, when I know I have easy access to something I want to use.

It got so bad last night, I was laying in bed, I couldn’t fall asleep and I couldn’t stop the pain in my chest, my body and the image in my head. I had to stop it.

My psychiatrist gave me steps, to work through this. Challenge the thoughts. It’s so hard to turn a feeling into a conscious thought I can challenge. I kept telling myself to just stay in bed, then I couldn’t hurt myself. I managed to get myself past wanting to kill myself, I could challenge that, there were many reasons why I shouldn’t do that. I didn’t get very far challenging the rest and there was nothing that could distract me at this point.

I suppose I’ve fallen into a depressed state. My anti-depressants are going up again. Hopefully they’ll lower these urges, these states I get in. I was in one again today too, but luckily I kept myself distracted enough.

I gave the shears to someone, so I can hopefully stop dreaming about them. I don’t have anything I can use now. Which is how it needs to be. I need to get back on track.

I still haven’t gone back to working with my company yet, since getting out. I keep trying to have a dinner with my friends to celebrate getting out but I keep postponing that too. I’m more stable than when I went in, but I’m still slowly getting worse again. Everything is still, so hard. I’m really worried about my business now. I don’t think I could do it, if I wasn’t still working towards my dream. Some days that’s all that keeps me going.

I’m way too stubborn and hard on myself to let it go.

Doing Things

Trigger warning: Self harm

Sometimes being manic can just be so productive. Like that is how I packed so quickly after I got out of hospital. And then unpacked completely the same day I moved. I have a lot of stuff too, so this is saying something. How I fit it all into my tiny room is a mystery.

Tonight, tonight I am so not good. I was at a friends and was practically losing my mind, I could not sit down or focus. But when I got home I just did stuff. I set up my bed better, sorted out a few more things. Compared to depression I guess the difference is pretty great and I don’t exactly experience much inbetween these two things.

Maybe I should focus this onto some business work but I think I’m too far gone now, it needs to be physical things, that’s what I’ve discovered. Otherwise the agitation gets the better of me. It can’t need great focus, I don’t know. I’ve taken my night meds cause I need to calm the hell down, probably get some sleep. Half n hour, I really can’t expect it to have done much by now, lately it can take 2 hrs to do anything.

Maybe it’s time for push-ups, though my wrist is a bit sore today. Too cold to go outside to box as well, or consider getting to the gym. So here I am typing furiously and making a million typing errors I’ll have to go through and fix. I’m sure I’ll miss some.

Maybe I’ll put some hooks up, do some sit-ups, do some something. I’ve got to go through the steps my psychiatrist gave me. Challenge the thoughts or something, then try to distract myself, I should find that list. I think I’ll need it. But it’s been over 3 weeks since I hurt myself, I can keep this up, right? Not sure who I’m asking here. This is a real achievement though.

Discharge

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

It’s been nearly a week since I got out. I totaled 2 and a half weeks in there. I absolutely needed to be there as well. I went to some groups on various things I need to get better at, like stress and time management. And managing depression itself. Most nights were difficult for me, which was the pattern before I was admitted. Towards the end I was much better at talking to my nurse about it and getting help. I haven’t hurt myself since I was admitted 3 weeks ago, almost exactly to the time.

And tonight I’ve started getting the self harm and suicide urges again. They went away for a bit after I got out, I was too busy moving and going through a manic episode. But now after my second day of work and back to my normal life, they’re back. It was never expected that they wouldn’t. I’m just meant to be better at handling them, or something. 

I am definitely in a better place than I was before, and I’ve broken out of the self harm cycle. As easy as it is to slip back in. I nearly lost it when I found some shears in my toolkit. It was calling to me, the sharp sharp blades. I still have it in my kit, I couldn’t take it out, but I haven’t used it either. It’s probably the self destructive side of me that drove me to keep them and not tell someone. A part of me would also like to be able to have these things without being a danger to myself. 

One thing I noticed while in hospital, was my aggression levels. It’s been years since I had anything like this level of aggression. Not since my angsty teens. I joke about that all the time, but really I was a scary person then. From what I can remember. I would lose my temper at the drop of a hat, and it was madness. But I hit some point, around the time I decided to never let anyone know I was depressed/struggling/hurting myself, that I just became so passive. I mean, I was before, I never hurt anyone but myself. But I just bottled it all up. I never lost my temper again. 

Now, I’m finding myself more and more aggressive. Not sure where it is leading, but it’s never been directed outward at least. I think it’s mostly agitated, and when you’re stuck in a hospital with not a lot of options it gets bad. Especially when I can’t stand being trapped.

I took up boxing when I finally got myself to the gym there. It really helped and when that was closed push ups and when my wrists were too sore, sit ups.

Where I’m staying now has a boxing bag, though it is way too cold to consider going outside to use it. So I’ve been doing push ups. I think my Seroquel will hit in soon.

Unfortunately I think this hospital stay cost my company another paid project. We needed to get done a demo for a client to prove we could do the job, but instead I was in hospital and didn’t even think to contact them till afterwards. I’m starting to feel pretty bad about all the client work I’ve lost the business lately. But I know it’s not my fault and health comes first but it makes me wonder sometimes if I can do it. If I can get this company off the ground. It’s my dream, to run my own company. But when I also have to hold down a paid job in retail to pay my increasingly large medical/medication bills, it gets hard. So very hard. If I gave up the retail job, I’d have no money to live and for treatment to again, live. If I gave up my company I’d be giving up my dream and I think I’d be a lot worse off. It’s what keeps me going some days.

Locked Away

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Here it is, about a week since I first stepped into the emergency room, after just being stopped from an attempt on my life. Someone entered my room before I got a chance to try anything. They thought I was acting a bit off and not answering any messages. The scary thing is, I regret them finding me. I both felt ashamed of what I was going to do and wished I’d gotten the chance to.

But that’s why I’m in here.

I went in Tuesday night and they held me in a locked down area till Wednesday night when they finally moved me to a ward with a proper bed and space and things. That whole time I had no access to my phone or anything. So I couldn’t tell anyone what was happening. Finally the Wednesday morning my friend who dropped me off called to see what was up. I can’t tell you how relieved I was to have contact with someone. After a long night of no sleep, scared, agitated it was just relieving knowing someone else now knew what the go was. Thursday I then got transferred to this private place, because I’m lucky enough to be fully insured.

It’s looking like 2 weeks here, to try and get my meds straight and break my cycle of self harm. Which is probably good, it sure was escalating.

This means however, that my business is going to take yet another hit. We had a potential client and just needed to wrap up the deal with a tailored preview of our skills. But with me in hospital, that’s another paid job we’re going to have to pass on. And I hate that. I already beat myself up for not doing enough, but losing business opportunities takes a hard toll on me. But everyone is super understanding, which is good. I just need to be more understanding of myself.

I still can’t believe I willingly walked in here, though I can’t really leave unaccompanied now. Which is for the best. I am not in the best head space right now. But that’s why I’m here I guess.

I’ve been switched over to valproate now and it’s been hiked up to 400mg morning and night. I think I am a bit more sedated during the day but my seroquel also went up to 200mg at night.

Looks like I’ll probably have seroquel during the day too if it gets too bad. Yesterday afternoon I had seroquel and valium to calm me down. I really wanted to hurt myself. The urges are just so physical, makes me want to tear at myself. But I’m getting better at being honest with the nurses so they can help me.

Oh and it looks like I have borderline personality disorder. My psychiatrist promised to talk more about it when I’m more stable on the bipolar side. He’s not a big fan of the name and I guess neither am I.

Time for my night meds I guess.

Swap Over

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

My psychiatrist decided that the Lithium wasn’t showing any/enough signs of working so now I get to try something different. Valproate. I don’t really know much about it but he said it is better for faster mood cycling so it may be a better fit for me. It also seems to mainly be prescribed for epilepsy and it’s an anticonvulsant, as well as mood stabliser I suppose.

Anyway, lucky me gets to spend a week on drastically lower Lithium and start the Valproate at the same time. This week may be interesting. I only started the swap over yesterday though, so it’s a bit early to tell.

Still, I’m already quite the mess and my psychiatrist told me to get to the hospital if it gets worse and I’m in serious danger. At least he doesn’t believe I need an extended stay, just if I need to be kept safe for awhile.

I had a good couple of days holding it together, but it feels the longer I go the harder everything gets. I always seem to cave eventually, it builds and builds to a point I just can’t take anymore. I stop thinking properly and get fixated on what I’m doing and before I know it, I’ve hurt myself again.

I’m not sure I even agree that it’s as unhealthy as it is. Growing up I figured that if that’s what it took to get me through the day, than that was good enough for me. But in my right mind, I know. I know I shouldn’t need to rely on this.

The other obvious problem with it, is the scarring. I have a mark on my chest, and one night I was drunk and had my shirt unbuttoned about as much as is usual for me but it showed off my scar. I was surprised by the amount of people who asked about it but I brushed most questions off. Aside from unwanted attention, (semi)/permanently scarring yourself doesn’t help to keep a good impression of yourself. 

Many people think I get around barbed wire fences while drunk, a lot.

Breathing or something

Trigger warning: Self harm and Suicide

Today was an alright day, until it became the worst day. Well, not the worst day really, I just suddenly felt the worst. About as bad as I was before I was last admitted to hospital.

At some point I stopped thinking about consequences of what I wanted to do. Nothing major luckily, but I can’t be sure that will always be the case.

A friend noticed, and helped me to make my room safe again. Something I’ve never had the power to do myself. I always seem to gather a scary collection of sharp objects. I might even be drawn to them.

I can’t decide if I should have checked myself into a hospital, my birthday is coming up and I’d just hate to be in there for it. That would just really be too much for me. Of course if it gets this bad on my birthday night, that’s gonna be no picnic either. 

Today has created a bit of an issue with attending work tomorrow. There is only so long you can wear giant band-aids before it becomes suspicious. In the case of some of my friends, they pick up on it immediately.

I guess it’s a problem for tomorrow. I’ve had my Seroquel for the night so hopefully that kicks in soon. It’s very frustrating not being able to hurt myself when I feel like this. I can’t take the edge off. This is where my psychologist (if I had one) would tell me to breathe or something.

I hear breathing is good. Hard though.